Numero uno was Cubano style.

Really, I mean, is there any other way to prepare your first turkey? Especially when no one in the house is Latin. Luckily we were months away from any major holiday. Just two losers, a free turkey, a gas stove and a lazy Sunday afternoon.

Oh, we had a recipe too.

Only the bird in our freezer was much smaller than it required. By at least a quarter.

I might not be a great cook. But I do understand equations.

"Um, don't you think that you should cut the garlic, because of the size of the bird?"

"Oh, yes, dear, you are absolutely right. Thanks for reminding me. If I inserted ALL of the garlic cloves underneath the skin, we would certainly have a turkey on our hands with a disgustingly strong garlic flavor that we probably wouldn't be able to eat," said Andre. "Although I do believe that we would be safe from any vampire attacks."

"And, my darling, I also think it might be best for your gag reflex and mine, if I abandon my ambitious plan to boil the bones for soup," continued Andre. "The smell of death, permeating our small apartment and entire being for weeks, isn't nearly worth the trade-off for that cup of broth."

Needless to say, we were cured from making turkey for a long time. Until last year, when we hosted Thanksgiving at our crib. You can't quite pass that task off.

Round two: another recipe. This one for high heat over a really short period of time.

"Um, don't you think that you should ask me how to set the oven? You've really never used it."

"Oh, yes, dear, you are absolutely right. Thanks for reminding me. If I just push some buttons and try to set it myself, I may actually program the timer to go on and off and on and off and on and off and on and off, over the period of two hours that we're supposed to be cooking the bird on high heat," said Andre.

"And then, my sweetness, when your father tries to cut into the bird, he will be moderately appalled, because three cuts will reveal the pinkest bird that he's ever seen, thanks to the pulsating heating method I've just created," said Andre. "But truly, that won't even be the most horrible part, because while I've told the story about fifteen times about my co-worker and how they cooked the plastic bags inside the turkey, I'll somehow manage to do the same."

Round three is on Thursday. What'll it be? Third times a charm? Three strikes and you're out?

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