I've been sick for five weeks.

Five. Weeks.

If you need a bit of perspective, in that same amount of time, Lenny Kravitz started the US leg of his Black and White America Tour, criss-crossed the country and is two days away from wrapping it all up.

On a bus.

Don't cry for me Argentina. I've recently gotten my sense of humor back. Which apparently reappears before any desire to work out, clean my house or grocery shop. I guess that's a good sign. Plus there's gratitude. See.

Oh, Thank You Walking Pneumonia for Teaching Me...

10. The lasting power of a Shellac manicure is not a measly two weeks. It's closer to seven. Well, at least on my non-dominant hand. The right one is looking a bit crack whore.

9. At 6am, 19 Kids and Counting works as a gentle time release sedative.

8. My husband married me for my laundry skills. In sickness and in health. Emphasis on sickness.

7. Running a bath in a soaking tub is a simple task, if you remember that a) a repair man lowered the temp on the water heater, in 2010 and b) boiling pots of water on the stove, will indeed provide the necessary warmth, as well as a faint chicken soup aroma from last week's dinner.

6. Excessive TV viewing triggers some sort of alarm at the cable company, reminding them your free introductory package, the same one that's been killing your brain cells since 2009, needs to be cut off. Immediately.

5. Intelligent reads like The Happiness Project, MWF Seeking BFF and the entire collection of Pamela Ribon, can prevent you from drooling in a corner.

4. Taking Clarithromycin 500 mg, twice a day, for ten days, will make you feel like you've been left in a car with the windows up, during the height of the summer, in the deserts of New Mexico.

3. That refreshing hydration drink you've been chugging, no really chugging, contains citrimax, which is not some sort of exotic juicy tropical fruit you've pictured in your mind, but a heart palpitation inducing dietary supplement.

2. Do. Not. NOT. Attempt. Your. Taxes.

1. You should never, ever, ever say out-loud, 'Gee, I haven't been sick in a while.' Superbugs are listening.